


only you ever made me care, cause only you ever made me dare

by numinousliebe



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: (I think?), (this is not really relevant to the plot but Justin is still alive bc i said so), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, College, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Third Person, Pining, Post-Canon, Zach's POV, so much pining, zalexweek2k20
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-10
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:29:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,923
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25192423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/numinousliebe/pseuds/numinousliebe
Summary: “So”, he exhales shakily, the air unusually cold for a summer day, “so you want me to pretend – to be your boyfriend? To be Charlie?”Zach can feel his own cheeks redden, feels the embarrassment radiate from him. For the first time he’s glad they can’t see each other. He wouldn’t survive this conversation otherwise. Would he have to kiss Alex again? Hold his hand? Call him his boyfriend? Give him compliments? Caress his face? Hold him by the waist? Does he have to win his friends over? Should he bring gifts? Will he kiss Alex again?“You don’t have to be Charlie. Listen, Zach, you don’t have to do it at all. I thought about asking Winston, but he doesn’t really look like a guy, who plays football and honestly, I don’t really think it’s fair to ask–““I’ll do it.”
Relationships: Zach Dempsey/Alex Standall
Comments: 46
Kudos: 135
Collections: Zalex Week 2k20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm back for Day 4 of Zalex Week. :)  
> I'm a little late and this isn't finished, but I wanted to post something, so – here we are: a "short" multi-chapter fake relationship fic! I will update and complete this soon, it'll only be about 3-4 chapters long, I think. (So instead of posting 15-20k at once, you'll get like 4-6k each?)
> 
> This is now my second fanfiction (ever) and as I said before: I'm a writer, but I only write original work in my mother tongue, so this is still fairly new to me! In case there are any grammar or tenses mistakes, I apologize. 
> 
> Anyways, long story, short: I hope you enjoy! :)

Zach looks down at his phone, blinks repeatedly. Rubs a hand over his face, pinches himself in the arm, because what Alex is asking of him, makes absolutely no fucking sense.

“You told your college friends, your boyfriend would come over this weekend”, Zach repeats, “and you would finally introduce him to them after six months of studying there.”

“Yes, Zach”, Alex sighs, loudly, “I’ve been trying to explain this to you for the past five minutes.”

Zach leans back on his bed, closes his eyes for a second. He has missed talking to Alex, especially for the last couple of weeks. College deadlines have been hanging over their heads: Zach had to hand a musical piece in, that ended up being far too cheesy for his own good and Alex had to write some philosophical paper he had been complaining about for months. They both decided to postpone their weekly phone call and instead talk again in three weeks. But apparently, everything changed in the last three weeks and Alex got replaced by some weird, gibberish-talking person, because nothing he’s saying makes any sense.

“Why are you – why isn’t your actual boyfriend – you know, sweet quarterback, part-time cookie maker, part-time promposal planer – Charlie coming?”

Alex is silent after that. Zach opens his eyes again, just to check that Alex is still on the phone.

“Alex?”

“We broke up.”

Zach blinks, abruptly feels the need to sit up, maybe even stand and go around. Get out of the house, into his car and drive around the block for thirty minutes, because this makes even less sense. There were a few things about his old friend group that Zach had already categorized as facts he will never be able to deny: Clay worries about everything, Jess and Justin will always find their way back to each other, Tony will still have his red mustang by the time he’s eighty and Alex and Charlie are that one disgustingly sweet high school couple that will stay together forever.

“What? Wait – when? Why?”

“One week ago.”

“One week ago?”, Zach repeats, shaking his head, completely lost, “Alex, seven days ago?”

“A week usually contains seven days, yes, Zach.”

Zach doesn’t even know where to start. He wants to ask Alex everything, suddenly achingly aware of how much he missed in only three weeks: _Why didn’t you tell me? Are you okay? What happened? Did we stop being best friends? Why didn’t you tell me? How could you not tell me?_

But instead, there’s no question. Just a bitter and insecure observation, that wraps itself around Zach’s throat and takes his ability to breathe away: “You didn’t text me.”

“Yeah.” Alex’s voice is quiet and dejected.

“Why?”

“You were so – stressed about your deadlines”, Zach hears some rustling over the phone, a door closing, “I didn’t want to bother you. And I mean – Jess was here.”

“Man”, Zach feels his throat closing up, his voice thin and shaky, “you can always talk to me about – this stuff.”

Alex laughs quietly. “This stuff?”

Zach gives a quick hand gesture to the side, shrugs, even though Alex can’t see him. “You know. Relationships. Struggles. Stuff.”

“Okay, Zach.” Alex sounds amused, which, at least, settles Zach’s guilt a little bit. But he can’t help but feel responsible for this. Because Zach told himself, he would always put Alex first. He lost Alex to Winston and then to Charlie, because his own guilt and shame and self-hatred made him – reckless. But when he got sober, he promised to himself, that he would always put Alex first. No matter what.

Apparently, Alex didn’t get the message. Apparently, Zach still sucks at being an attentive friend, because Alex broke up with his boyfriend and Zach couldn’t even get a short text message–

“Zach?”

Zach shakes his head. “Sorry. I got lost there for a second. What – happened?”

“Honestly? Nothing”, Alex sighs, “Charlie – he wanted to surprise me. You know with an elaborate surprise visit like the sweet boyfriend he is. And Jess was involved and let him in our apartment and he was waiting there with my favorite drink and pizza and when I opened the door and saw him, I just got – exhausted”, Alex’s voice gets quieter, a little above a whisper, like he’s about to say something he’s ashamed of, “my boyfriend surprised me after not seeing each other for almost a month and all I could think was ‘why is he here?’. I mean, who thinks like that?”

“Oh.”

Zach wishes, he could see Alex’s face now. To see his emotions, his thoughts. It’s strangely depriving to only hear his spoken words, to not see his face, his micro-expressions, his gestures. To not see him breathe. Because Zach knows every bit of Alex’s expressions, every bit of muscle twitch. It was inevitable, really: Zach swore to himself he would never miss any signs again.

“Yeah”, Alex whispers ‘fuck’ under his breath, then continues, “so – I mean – I didn’t even know how to start that conversation with him standing there. ‘Hey Charlie, I really love you, but I’d rather have our entire friend group here than only you? I’d rather be alone, even though, I hate being alone, because my thoughts usually torture me after a while? I sometimes feel suffocated by everything good and attentive you do, because I feel so ridiculously human and imperfect next to you?’”

“Jesus, Alex.”

Alex laughs under his breath. “Yeah. Haven’t been able to let these frustrating thoughts out yet. Sorry.”

Zach stands up, goes to his desk and takes the car keys. “It’s fine. No judgement here. You know that”, Zach rubs his free hand over his face, breathes out heavily, “so okay. You two broke up. Why – why haven’t you just told your friends that? I’m sure, they’ll understand.”

“No, they won’t”, he can feel Alex shaking his head, his voice getting more frustrated, “they already feel sorry for me. Poor kid that shot himself in the head, suffers from TBI and walks with a limp. If I tell them, that I also broke up with my football boyfriend, I will never escape their pity looks.”

Zach opens his bedroom door, goes downstairs and out of the front door. “So”, he exhales shakily, the air unusually cold for a summer day, “so you want me to pretend – to be your boyfriend? To be Charlie?”

Zach can feel his own cheeks redden, feels the embarrassment radiate from him. For the first time he’s glad they can’t see each other. He wouldn’t survive this conversation otherwise. Would he have to kiss Alex again? Hold his hand? Call him his boyfriend? Give him compliments? Caress his face? Hold him by the waist? Does he have to win his friends over? Should he bring gifts? _Will he kiss Alex again?_

“You don’t have to be Charlie. Listen, Zach, you don’t have to do it at all. I thought about asking Winston, but he doesn’t really look like a guy, who plays football and honestly, I don’t really think it’s fair to ask–“

“I’ll do it.” Zach puts the phone down for a second, silently screaming inside.

“What? Seriously?”, Zach gets in the car, leans his head on the steering wheel, closes his eyes, “Zach?”

“Yeah. I’ll do it. I mean – we already – kissed, so like”, he hits his head against the steering wheel, fails to stop himself from freaking out; his voice weak and paper-thin, “whatever. I’ll do it.”

“Are you sure?”, Alex seems uncertain, probably second-guessing his question already, “you really don’t have to, Zach. If it’s like – too awkward for you. To pretend to – be into guys.”

Oh yeah. _I’m not into guys._ He said that. A part of him wants to take it back. Wants to confess to Alex that – actually – he’s pretty sure, he wasn’t straight after all. That he liked to have his hands around Alex’s hips, liked to feel his soft lips on his; his sharp features brushing Zach’s face. Wants to confess that he might’ve made out with a guy only a few days ago at a boring college party, because he was forced to play the song he wrote for his class and it reminded him a little bit too much of Alex, the kiss and the fact that Alex had a boyfriend. If Zach imagined somebody else while kissing this guy, nobody would know.

“That was – a lie.” Zach winces after a few seconds of silence. There’s no sigh, no exhale, not even a short inhale of breath. It’s eerily quiet and Zach has to bite his lips to stop himself from rambling.

“So you just weren’t into me.” Alex’s voice sounds flat, every possible trace of emotion completely erased.

“No – I“, Zach closes his mouth, for the first time at the loss for words. How could he possibly explain?

When he thinks back to high school, there’s the looming voice of his mother, overshadowing his every thought and action. All the expectations she had for him, the reputation he had to uphold. He thinks about the man he was supposed to be; this guy with no vulnerable thought or emotion, with perfect grades and a perfect record, an interest for manly things like sport and fitness and most important of all: girls. There was no space for grief, failure, teenage mistakes or music. There was no space for even entertaining the thought of being anything but straight.

He knows that he completely crushed every expectation his mother had for him. He knows, that she isn’t exactly proud of him for studying music. She’s relieved that he isn’t drinking daily anymore. But she isn’t proud.

Alex was everything Zach failed to be, everything Zach was denied to be, really. Alex was always brave. Brave in his actions, brave in his thoughts. Brave in his feelings, even braver in his rejections. He loved fiercely and all-consuming, loyally and unabashedly. Zach once knew how it was. To be on the receiving end of this love. He selfishly misses it.

“It doesn’t matter anyway”, Zach flinches at the indifference in Alex’s voice, “so you’ll do it? You will be here?”

Zach exhales and rests his head back, his voice uncontrollably soft. “Of course, Alex.”

Because he would do anything for Alex. After so many years of friendship, after Hannah, after Bryce, after everything, he thought, Alex knew.

*******

It’s already late, about nine pm, when he parks on the last free parking spot on Jess’ and Alex’s apartment block. He turns off the gas, his grip on the steering wheel almost too tight. His hands are shaking; his breathing is almost shallow; a completely irrational and exaggerated reaction to seeing his best friend again after five weeks.

He wonders, not for the first time, if this is an extremely bad idea. It seemed pretty simple in the beginning: hold his hand, be close to him, maybe slip in some pet names like baby and then be done with it. But the idea of actually holding him, of being so close to him again, after so many months of no real physical contact is too much to bear.

He could still back out. Alex would probably understand. He could introduce himself as Alex’s best friend and stare at his friends with all the judgement he can gather, so they don’t even dare to look at Alex in pity.

He doesn’t understand how anyone could see Alex and feel pity. Feel anything other than admiration. How they could see his strength, his resilience, his loyalty, his humor and heart and decide: This is a person to be pitied. Zach is probably biased, but there must be something wrong with them to not see Alex for who he is – an extremely strong and kind person. As Winston once said to him – _the kindest person he knows_.

His phone rings – it’s Alex. His hands are still trembling. Zach sighs, takes the call.

“Hi.”

“I can see your car parked outside, Zach.” The sullen tone from before is gone; Alex sounds lighter than before. Maybe he’s relieved. Maybe he’s a little bit happy to see Zach, too.

“And you’re not here to greet me?”, Zach can hear the muffled steps, “are you coming outside?”

“No. But I’ll be waiting by the door to call you up. Try to stay quiet though, our neighbors complain about every single noise after eight pm.”

Zach laughs; his hands begin to settle. Strangely, talking to Alex already makes him feel more at ease than before. He might actually be able to do this. Kiss Alex, hug him, hold him, call him his boyfriend and–

“Zach?”

Zach shakes his head, rubs a hand over his face. “Sorry, yeah. I’ll be extremely quiet. I promise. Pinky-promise, man.”

He can imagine Alex rolling his eyes, smiling fondly. The corny part of Zach’s brain can’t help but notice that he won’t have to imagine Alex’s expressions for long. He will see them.

“Just hurry up, okay?”

“Yeah, Standall. I will be there soon, don’t worry.”

Alex laughs for a second, hangs up. Zach lets his head fall on the steering wheel again and counts from one to ten, then the other-way around. He can do this.

*******

He can’t do this.

He’s sitting on the couch, while Alex is in the kitchen, warming up some left-over dinner from before. Zach takes a sip of water, puts the glass down on the couch table right in front of him. They’re both painfully aware of the situation – of what they were talking about, of what they are about to do. But they both didn’t want to disrupt this moment of fake casualness, as if they hadn’t decided to pretend to be boyfriends in the first place.

The microwave beeps. Zach leans back, closes his eyes for a second. He needs to get his act together. Alex is still hurting; he is still trying to recover from this break-up. And he wants to get this entire fake boyfriend dinner act to be done and over with. Zach can do that, right? Be the guy, Alex needs him to be?

He fucking hopes so. He needs the weekly phone calls. He needs to hear Alex’s laugh, his sarcastic comments, his encouraging words. College is setting itself up to be extremely lonely for Zach and he wouldn’t survive it without having Alex in his life; online or not.

“This is nothing fancy – you will make our breakfast in the morning, okay?”

Alex puts a bowl of noodles with tomato sauce in front of Zach, sits down next to him; his arms crossed. They’re quiet again. Zach sighs, even entertains the thought of eating boiling-hot noodles and burning his tongue, instead of suffering through this silence.

“Listen–“

“I’m–“

They both laugh. Zach gestures for Alex to continue, suddenly glad that he doesn’t have to start. He wouldn’t even know what to say.

“I wanted to apologize. For earlier, I mean”, Alex looks down at his hands, a nervous gesture, “you came out to me and I made it about myself. That was selfish. So – uhm – thank you for telling me. I’m proud of you”, he glances at Zach for a second, then back at his hands again, “so yeah. Thanks – for doing this too, I guess. I know, it’s fucking insane.”

Zach watches Alex for a while; his eyes trail over his red cheeks, his hunched shoulders. Alex tends to make himself small sometimes – smaller than he actually is. It’s usually a sign of his discomfort and Zach’s entire body aches with the need to make him feel comfortable again. Alex once felt safe around him – he wonders what has changed since then.

“I wanted to tell you”, Zach swallows, “I just didn’t know, how. I didn’t know where to start.”

Alex nods, a small smile on his face. “So you’re –“

“Not straight – for now”, Zach shrugs, “that’s where I’m currently at.”

Alex uncrosses his arms, puts a hand on Zach’s forearm and smiles. “And that’s totally alright, Zach.”

He smiles back; an unspoken understanding between them. The hand on his forearm is warm and Zach has to keep his eyes on Alex’s face to not look down. He wants to put his hand over Alex’s, wants to have a real physical connection with him, before it only becomes a show; an act they put up for others. He selfishly wants something for himself, something that only belongs to them; Alex and Zach. But he doesn’t know the rules anymore. And this careful thread between them, this unspoken understanding seems too fragile to be challenged now.

“So”, Alex lets his hand fall from Zach’s arm and Zach already griefs the loss, “what did you tell them? Your friends, I mean?”

Alex sighs. “About my boyfriend?”, Zach nods, takes the bowl and starts to eat, “not much to be honest. I just told them I was friends with him, before we got together. He’s a football player, we were prom kings. That’s about it.”

Zach chews, swallows. “So no specific information that I should know? Like – something that only applies to Charlie?”, Zach takes another bite, his eyes widening, “wait – you never showed them a picture?”

Alex rubs a hand over his face. “No. I didn’t even tell them that his name was Charlie. I mean – I didn’t want to get into this entire dating a high-schooler thing and–“

“So I don’t have to pretend to be a high-schooler?”

Alex laughs, hits Zach in the arm. Zach balances the bowl in his hand, sets it down on the table again. Ignores the accusing look on Alex’s face and focuses on the giddy feeling in his stomach instead. He hadn’t even realized how much he missed being in the same room as Alex.

“You don’t have to pretend anything”, Alex shakes his head, undoubtedly amused, “I mean, expect for the entire – boyfriends thing. But you can just be – Zach. They will be impressed either way.”

Zach’s smile widens. He feels settled; at home. He doesn’t want to dwell on that fact too much, ignores the tiny voice in his head telling him that this will only end in heart-break.

“So – we will meet them for lunch tomorrow?”

Alex nods. “We can just like – hold hands on the way and then sit very closely at the restaurant. I think – talking about us being together will be enough.”

“Sounds good.”

Zach ignores the sinking feeling in his chest. Hopes that Alex isn’t able to read his face as good as Zach is able to read his, because he knows his smile doesn’t reach his eyes anymore. He doesn’t know why he’s disappointed – expect he knows exactly, why. He’s been trying to ignore his feelings for an entire year now and strangely, it never got easier.

But he missed his chance. He missed so many chances: To stand up for his relationship with Hannah. To stand up to Bryce and Monty. To stand up to his mother. To his feelings and thoughts. He missed his chance to study marine biology, his chance of getting a scholarship. And the entire situation is ironic; a sick twist from the universe, a parting gift from karma: He missed his chance with Alex, too. And now, he will never have him in his arms again.

Yeah, Zach thinks, while taking the last bite of his already cold noodles, he doesn’t want to dwell on that feeling either.

*******

After waking up for three times in two hours, Zach gave up on sleeping. He has only slept for 6 hours and it’s eight am, but it’s still enough sleep for him to freak out, to create scenarios in his head of him kissing Alex in front of his friends, him brushing his fingers over Alex’s neck, taking his hand, while they’re waiting for their food –

Zach doesn’t really know how to not obsess over this. He thought about messaging Justin or Clay, but then decided against it, because they were even worse at giving advice than him. For about 30 minutes he thought about driving away: take his suitcase and drive home again. Maybe leave a pathetic letter on the bed, explaining his thoughts and feelings and how not okay he is with this entire situation. But then, he remembered Alex’s face. His gratefulness. He remembered his kindness and every time Zach stood up for him – and every time he didn’t. He remembered Bryce’s death – and the stone-cold fact, that Bryce was dead, because ‘ _Zach, he threatened to ruin you.’_

He couldn’t drive away either. Instead, he decided to give Alex the best breakfast he ever had, before Zach ultimately destroyed their friendship, because he couldn’t keep his feelings in check.

By the time Alex woke up, the entire table was filled with food. From bacon and eggs to pancakes and different kinds of fruits. Zach even bought freshly pressed orange juice, because the employee at the supermarket told him that it was the best way to impress a girl in the morning. _Right._

Alex rubs his face with his right hand, his eyes still swollen from waking up. He blinks for a few seconds, when he sees the table full of food, looks at Zach, only to look down at the table again.

Zach gestures to the free chair and Alex sits down, while rubbing his eyes. “Is it”, his voice rough from sleep, “is it my birthday or – what is all of this?”

Zach takes the hot-brewed coffee and pours a cup for Alex, sits down across from him.

“You told me to make breakfast.”

Alex laughs, shakes his head fondly. “This is an entire buffet, Zach.”

Zach takes the fork in his hand, gestures to the food in front of them. “Come on. Eat. The next time we’re going to get food is in like 5 hours with your friends.”

Alex’s eyes widen, as if he had forgotten the entire purpose of Zach’s visit already. Zach wishes he could forget.

Alex drops his head forward, exhales loudly. “Fuck. Are we really doing this?”

“You can’t date me for a few hours?”

Zach smirks, but he feels his smile wavering. It’s hard to be funny and casual all the time. He became really good at it, when he was still drinking daily. It was easier to pretend – to pretend like nothing mattered, like he had no care in the world. It was not real, of course, just a performance Zach put out, so he didn’t have to confront everything he actually felt, which was loneliness, guilt, heartache and disappointment. He felt too much. Drinking helped him to pretend he didn’t.

He can’t drink now. Instead, he reminds himself over and over again, that he is doing this for Alex. His selfless and kind friend. His friend.

Alex groans, leans back on his chair. “It’s not about you, Zach”, he puts a hand through his hair, “should I feel – guilty? About doing this? Lying to them?”

Zach shrugs. He doesn’t really know where he stands anymore – on morals and lying and goodness. It’s hard for him to judge anything. He has kept so many secrets: For himself and others.

“Technically, you weren’t lying. You really had a boyfriend”, Zach takes another bite of his pancake, “and you just went through a break-up. You don’t need to hear their unsolicited advice or whatever on top of that. And I mean – we are pretty close. Right?”

Alex’s eyes get soft at that. He turns his head to the side, really studies Zach for the first time, since they’ve met up again. It should feel uncomfortable – to be seen. Really seen by someone. To be observed and watched. But Alex knows his darkest parts. He knows his darkest secrets. And Zach knows his in return. They don’t judge each other. And they have no reason to ever be uncomfortable around each other – something that Zach has almost dared to forget over the last few hours.

“You are different.” Alex smiles.

Zach blinks. “What do you mean? How – how different?” _Bad different? So different that we are different people? That we aren’t close anymore? How different, Alex?_

He shakes his head, as if he read Zach’s thoughts. “You are more – at ease. Like you’ve already seen the worst and accepted it. And now you’re okay. Okay to be – and to feel. I don’t really know”, he looks down at his food, suddenly shy, “you’re different. But not in a bad way.”

Zach hears his heart beating. He wants to tell Alex that he will always be at ease when Alex’s here. With him. That Alex was the first person he didn’t have to pretend anything with. He was still prioritizing his reputation, when he was with Hannah. She couldn’t break through to him. And Chloe – he really cared about her, still does, but he always felt like he had to have his life in order to be around her. Otherwise he felt ashamed – as if he had somehow failed her. He never felt that way around Alex.

“Are you? Different? Okay?”

Alex furrows his eyebrows, looks to the side. He breathes in and out, slowly. Then, he looks at Zach, a small smile dancing on his face.

“I’m okay, I think. Jess said something to me a few days ago and it got me thinking – high-school had so many bad memories for all of us. All this trauma – and I mean, we revisited this trauma every single day. There was no place to heal, not entirely at least. Even drinking at Monet’s made me sad sometimes. But being here – not being confronted by everything awful that happened – it allowed me to breathe. Finally process everything. This apartment”, he looks around, his smile getting bigger, “it has no – awful memories”, Alex shrugs, “apart from the breakup, but even that wasn’t – awful. My old room only made me think of my”, he sighs, “you know. My suicide attempt. But being here allows me to be in the moment – seeing new faces every day. Faces that I share no – bad memories with. It’s refreshing, honestly”, he crosses his arms, “I thought, I could never be happy. But I think, I took a few too many steps at once, you know? I hadn’t even allowed myself to heal. And now I’m better. I think.”

Zach smiles wistfully. He can feel the love for Alex settle in his stomach; the utter relief and thankfulness that he is okay. That he can heal. That he is able to heal. He has always worried about Alex, but for the first time, he feels like he doesn’t have to.

“I’m really glad, man”, he licks over his dry lips, doesn’t want to overthink his next words, “you deserve to be happy.”

Alex smiles. Then, he puts his arm on the table, pushes his hand towards Zach. After a few seconds of silence, Alex laughs, sounding relaxed and amused:

“What? You can pretend to be my boyfriend, but not hold my hand?”

Zach rolls his eyes, a gesture that is _so Alex_ that he can feel his stomach turn. Then, before he overthinks this again, he takes Alex’s hands in his and squeezes it once.

He doesn’t say, _I would do anything for you_. He doesn’t say _, I don’t want to pretend anymore_. He doesn’t say, _holding your hand scares me, because we’re alone and this feels too real_. He doesn’t say, _I can’t do this, because you are over me and I don’t think I even began to entertain the idea of trying to get over you._ He doesn’t say anything and instead squeezes Alex’s hand once more, his palms getting sweaty and his heart beating out of his chest.

He doesn’t say anything, only hopes for the best.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! :) I'm back after one week with another chapter! (University and work were kicking my ass, but I managed to finish this chapter thankfully)  
> I wanted to thank everyone again for commenting and leaving kudos. It truly means a lot to me! <3 
> 
> I hope you will enjoy this chapter, too! It is more angsty than I anticipated, but...well. That's what you get. I apologize in advance for any mistake.

“Last chance”, Alex pushes his shoulder against Zach’s, “to back out.”

Zach looks around; the neighborhood of the restaurant is young and clean. It’s beautiful and green, kind of hipster-like and exactly the place students with money would pick. The neighborhood seems to have no history, no scares and open wounds. Zach feels wrong here; not entirely uncomfortable or unwelcome, yet still strangely wrong.

“Zach?”

He blinks, glances at Alex, who is watching him with a nervous look.

“I don’t want to back out, if that’s what you’re worried about.” Alex’s shoulders immediately fall. He exhales quietly, laughs.

“I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I’m nervous. We lied about so much worse stuff. To the police, no less.”

Zach isn’t lying though. Not really anyways. This is everything he wants; at least, he slowly realizes that. It somehow makes it harder – pretending can be easy. Being honest and vulnerable on the other hand is terrifying.

Zach studies Alex for a moment; his furrowed brows, his jittery leg. He shakes his head, decides to be the brave one for once.

He takes Alex’s hand in his, smiles encouragingly at him.

“My dear boyfriend”, his voice cracks at the last word, “if we don’t hurry, we’ll be late. I don’t think that’s the impression, I want to give.”

He can feel Alex relax under his touch, his hand squeezing Zach’s like it grounds him.

“Zachary Dempsey, let me guess, parents love you, right?”

“Not just parents, Standall. Your friends will too”, he winks at Alex, “come on. I’m hungry.”

He practically pulls Alex by the hand, urges him to move along. Alex shakes his head, but seems more relaxed now than he has for the past two hours.

Zach opens the restaurant door with his free hand. They get hit with the smell of Italian food immediately. The restaurant seems more casual inside, the interior welcoming and homely. Zach scans the place: it’s not full for a Friday evening, but it isn’t empty either. There are a few couples, some older, some younger, then a group of friends and some guys that are only here for their lunch break. All in all, it seems like a pretty fitting setting to meet the friends of your fake boyfriend.

Alex squeezes his hand. Zach smiles at him, hopes, it looks sincere. It already feels too real. They have been holding hands for two minutes and Zach already dreads the moment, when he has to let go. He likes to have a physical connection to Alex; always has. But holding hands is far more intimate than brushing shoulders.

Alex gets closer to his ear, Zach automatically bends down. “They’re here”, he whispers and Zach can’t stop the goosebumps from exploding along his arms. He shivers slightly and prays, that Alex doesn’t notice.

It seems, like he doesn’t. His eyes are fixated on a group of three people – two guys and a girl. Zach studies them for a moment – they seem completely normal, really. They’re definitely not jocks, surely not the first people Zach would choose to hang out. But they seem kind – even from afar and Zach can feel some of his worries disappear. Alex deserves kind friends.

He can feel Alex’s hand vibrating slightly. Zach bends down again.

“Are you okay, man?”

Alex nods, yet seemingly still grateful for the concern. He looks in the direction of his friends, then back to Zach. Something crosses his eyes, a look that Zach can’t really translate. A part of him wants to compare it to the night on the rooftop, but unlike then, Alex isn’t smiling.

Before Zach can react, Alex kisses him on the cheek, for one, two or three seconds and then pulls him to the table of his friends. Zach brushes his free hand over his cheek, his heart beating out of his chest.

Only a few centimeters to the right and he would’ve kissed Zach on the lips again. Zach would’ve felt his soft and warm lips on his; his shaky breath. It would’ve been just like before – only them, Zach’s arms around his waist and the wind softly brushing their faces. It would’ve been everything – everything Zach has dreamt about for the past few months; sometimes a memory he tried to repress and sometimes the only memory that kept him going.

Alex presses his shoulder against Zach’s, pushes him softly. Zach blinks, sits down. Alex’s friends grin at him, obviously excited but still trying to hold back.

That's when Zach remembers. It will never be like that again. Because that night was real. Alex kissed him, because he wanted to. Nobody was there. It was only them on the rooftop, their laughs echoing into the darkness; the muffled sounds of cars and the wind the only thing you could possibly decipher. They’re not alone now. In fact, nothing they’re doing is just for them. It’s an act; a pathetic performance and it’s not for him. Alex didn’t kiss him, because he wanted to. He once had. But he never will again.

Zach shakes his head, tries to get into – this role. It’s almost ridiculous how much he aches for it. How much he aches to be this guy he’s playing. He smiles at them, extends his hand to Alex’s friends and shakes theirs, tries to look as genuine as he can.

“So”, Alex’s voice has a slight edge to it, but Zach doesn’t think anyone other than him would notice, “this is my – boyfriend, Zach”, he gestures to his friends, one by one, “this is Ben, Lilly and Parker.”

Zach swallows. “Nice to meet you, guys.”

The girl – Lilly – reaches over the table and hits Alex in the arm. He screams out of the protest, but still smiles at her, amused. Zach blinks again, taken-back by their dynamic.

“No wonder you didn’t want to show us a picture”, she looks at Zach, her gaze traveling up and down, “I would’ve undoubtedly hit on him.”

Zach laughs, his shoulders dropping. He doesn’t really know why, but he feels more at ease, now.

“Are you flirting with my boyfriend?”

Zach’s heart skips a beat – boyfriend. Zach thinks about that fact – that he never really was – a boyfriend to anybody. He was almost something like that to Hannah. But they never labeled their relationship and it was over, before it even began. He will always cherish his memories with her; will always be glad that he could be something good in her life; even for a few weeks. But he was never a boyfriend. He has been a friend, a best friend, a brother, a son, a team captain, a guy you hook up with – but he was never the boyfriend. It’s strange to him – to have never had this experience. This must be nothing new to Alex; to call someone his partner. Jess, Winston, Charlie. But Zach? Zach was always the almost boyfriend; the almost to everything.

It’s a sobering thought; the idea that he somehow only achieves almosts. That everything seems to be right there for him to touch; to reach, only if he dared. He never dares. He can see his potential, clearly, right in front of him and yet – yet he only ever achieved almosts. He is an idea, never to be fulfilled. Just like he could only show Alex part of his love – part of these immense feelings in his heart. Just like he stayed quiet, when he should’ve stood up to others.

Zach never learnt how to be more than an almost. He never really learnt how to be more at all. He only learnt how to follow, how to carefully go your way without stepping on anyone’s toes. It’s a careful line to walk – Zach doesn’t think, he was ever good at it.

Alex is gently tugging on his arm, his eyebrows furrowed, his eyes pleading. Zach flinches, shakes his head and tries to pull himself together. He wants to do this. He wants to succeed at something. Doesn’t want this to end in an almost; a plan that almost worked. He wants to be more for Alex. More than an almost; more than an attempt.

“Sorry, guys”, he smiles at them, “I’m just nervous.”

The guy on the right, Parker, returns his smile. He seems to be more introverted and gentler; completely balancing out the energy of the other two.

“You don’t need to be nervous, honestly.”

Lily nods enthusiastically. “You already exceeded all of my expectations. For a while I thought he completely made you up to avoid getting hit on.”

Zach shakes his head, laughing. He tilts his head to the side, playfully eyeing Alex up and down. “Do many people hit on him?”

Alex’s worried expression clears and he leans back: “This seems like a trick question – don’t answer him.”

Before he can overthink it, Zach puts his arm around Alex’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “Am I not allowed to ask, Alex Standall?”

Alex’s jaw goes slack for a second, but he catches himself and smiles fondly. “If you can handle the answer, Zach Dempsey.”

Zach smiles; can feel it soften on his lips. He must look so ridiculous. Completely in love. He would be terrified to wear this expression on his face, if it weren’t for the fact that they were actually pretending to be exactly that – in love. It’s exhilarating and freeing in some way; to be able to show it all. In his eyes, in his posture, in his gestures. He has always gravitated towards Alex in a way he couldn’t explain. But to actually act on it? To show it in broad daylight? To not be ashamed or afraid or terrified? It’s a statement he has always been too scared to make. Not even almost. Never.

He kissed Alex back on the rooftop. He closed his eyes, let his hands relax and kissed back. Only for a second, only for a moment. But he let himself feel. Only for a few breaths; only for an almost. It was the only almost he dared to take. After that? He couldn’t.

Not until now. Zach gently brushes his fingers over Alex’s shoulder. Smiles, leans in and kisses him on the temple.

“Yeah, I can see it.”

Zach blinks, turns his head to Alex’s friends. He forgot they were there. Ben shakes his head, but Lilly is relentless. She silences him, leans forward and gestures to both of them; smirking.

“You are this one particular high school couple that will – you know – actually make it”, Zach’s heart is beating out of his chest, “I was worried at first. You know, because he didn’t tell us anything. But he clearly loves you”, she shrugs, “it’s really hard to miss.”

Zach opens his mouth, closes it. Can feel his hand getting sweaty, shaking a little bit. He wants to get closer to Alex and at the same time he wants to move far, far away.

It’s quiet for a while. The waitress hands them the menus, takes their drinking orders and Zach relaxes his hand around Alex’s shoulder. Parker observes them; a question clearly on the tip of his tongue. Alex rolls his eyes, gestures to Parker.

“What?”

“You never told us. How you two got together.” Alex’s eyes widen, he laughs nervously. He turns to Zach and swallows, once, twice. Zach sighs, chooses to tell the story he wishes that was the truth. The story he would tell if he was brave enough. If he ever learnt how to be more than almost.

“We– we”, all three of them turn their attention to Zach; he can see Alex relax in an instant, “well we were pretty close friends. Like – best friends. I was struggling for a while – with everything, really. I was not doing okay. And he – just kissed me”, he doesn’t look at Alex for the next part; afraid of him to see Zach’s face, “I rejected him at first. Not because I didn’t want to be together, but because I felt like I couldn’t. He was dating another guy for a few weeks and I got jealous and”, he swallows, takes his hand away from Alex’s shoulder; suddenly not able to bear the closeness, “confessed everything, you know.”

“I didn’t expect Alex to make the first move”, Lilly says, smiling.

Zach shrugs, looks at Alex for a second. Something drops in Zach’s stomach, when he sees Alex’s face; a look of betrayal and disappointment in his eyes. Zach furrows his eyebrows, but doesn’t ask. They both have to continue to play their part in this ridiculous play. He turns to Alex’s friends and forgets about any consequences, about any lie or not lie and about the embarrassing and vulnerable confession he wrapped up in a present for Alex’s friends to open in front of him.

He wonders if Alex realizes it now. That Zach felt the same. That Zach was never anything Alex thought he was; not kind and smart and attentive. Cowardice runs in his bloodline: He wears a good reputation as a shield and a neutral standpoint as his intuition. He wanted to be a lot of things: kind, brave and honest. Cleary, he never succeeded. Maybe that’s the reason for Alex’s expression. Maybe he can finally see Zach for who he is: an experiment that went wrong; an argumentative essay that fell apart on the second page. Someone who can only strive for almosts, for wins that always feel like losses and loves that are meant to end in heart-break.

Zach’s hands are shaking. He touches Alex’s shoulder again; a silent apology. Hopes it can help him settle, relax and somehow change every word that hit Alex’s heart in a way it shouldn’t have.

“Alex is full of surprises”, Zach says; with all the sincerity he can muster up. Alex smiles and puts his hand over Zach’s, but it doesn’t feel like forgiveness. It feels like the calm before the storm; the eerily silence before the unrelenting war.

The waitress brings their drinks and glances at their hands, smiles genuinely. “Here you go. Enjoy.”

They all murmur a ‘thank you’, clink their glass in celebration and drink. Alex is quieter than before, but his friends, especially Lilly, fill the silence. She asks Zach every possible question she can think of and Zach tries to answer them honestly: _Do you have any siblings? What are your courses at university? Have you thought about transferring here? What was your favorite subject at school? Do you still play sports? Who is your favorite musician? What was your favorite place you ever brought Alex to?_

He thinks, it’s going well; as well as a ‘friends meet your fake boyfriend dinner’ can go. But Alex is still brooding next to him and Zach already knows, he fucked it up somehow. He’s already dreading their next private conversation.

“How long are you here for anyway?”, Ben asks.

Zach blinks. Looks down at his drink and sighs quietly, murmuring: “The weekend?”

Lilly punches Ben in the arm, excitedly. Parker already shakes his head, but she shushes them both.

“You should come to my house party tomorrow”, she gestures to Alex, “this one didn’t want to come, but I’m sure you could convince him. And Jess will be there, too!”

Zach shrugs his shoulders, a little bit timid. “I mean – I don’t know –“

“Come on, Zach”, she leans back, “we all just met up. It would suck to not see you for a few months. Especially if you are here anyway”, she glances at Alex; Zach swallows hard, “you don’t have to stay for long. You can – come earlier, when it’s still lowkey and chill”, she’s pleading now and Zach can already feel his defenses go down, “please? If you hate it there or if it becomes too much, you can just leave. No hard feelings.”

Zach closes his eyes for a second, sighs. Runs his free hand through his hair and gives Alex a few seconds to answer for them. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t and Zach can’t say no to her, not when she seems so sincere.

“Okay, fine”, she triumphs and Zach smiles, “but – you have to convince Alex yourself. I won’t do it for you.”

She nods, laughing. He can feel Alex’s demanding stare; unusually uncomfortable. He swallows and hopes, that this doesn’t entirely blow up to his face. It probably will.

He could’ve just not taken the call. He could’ve told Alex that his mom needed him at home. That the coach needed him. That he had some new deadlines; stuff, he hasn’t finished. He could’ve told him, that he sucks at pretending. That this is too much. He could’ve given Alex genuine advice; maybe still come by for moral support and get Alex to tell his friends the truth. He could’ve done literally anything else, instead of getting caught up in an elaborate lie that will not only hurt Zach, but also their relationship. A lie that breaks his heart and reminds him of his fragile feelings, feelings he has successfully or unsuccessfully buried for the last few months. But he didn’t. He agreed to do this and now he’s here. And Alex doesn’t even look him in the eyes anymore.

He never wanted their friendship to end in an almost, but it almost seems inevitable now.

*******

The car ride back home is quiet; music the only thing filling the silence. The tension is palpable; an open current wire just waiting to be touched. Zach focuses on the road in front of him, because the only other option is to stare at Alex, to study his face, his emotions, his thoughts. To somehow find out what it is that Zach has broken and how he can fix it, before it’s too late. But he’s too scared of making it worse. Zach was never one to break the tension; a step too daring on a tight rope.

Zach turns off the gas and leans back. He braces himself for this conversation; can feel the _‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything’_ already threaten to come out of his mouth. He doesn’t look at Alex. His eyes are fixated on the steering wheel, his hands carefully folded in his lap.

“Why did you do it, Zach?”, Alex’s voice is shaking; you can hear he’s visibly upset, “why did you tell them this story?”

Zach furrows his eyebrows. “How we got – together?”

“Yeah, Zach”, Alex gets louder; Zach blinks, “you could’ve literally told them anything. Anything. I mean, you didn’t even have to get into any details. Why did you have to tell them the one intimate story that is actually true?”

Zach turns his head to Alex, now. He doesn’t really understand. “I thought – I mean – staying close to the truth or – you know – taking a moment that actually happened and then change it to something else is the – safest bet. I don’t know”, he runs a hand through his hair; at loss for words, “I didn’t mean to – I mean, the story wasn’t real, anyway.”

Alex laughs and shakes his head; his eyes wild and unfocussed. Feeling Alex’s anger directed at him makes Zach feel sick; makes him want to leave this car and run far, far away. He doesn’t know how this got that far out of control, how lies to others became lies to each other.

“I know, it wasn’t real to you. But it was real to me!”, Alex sighs loudly, his eyes teary, “it was my first kiss with a guy, Zach. I was – I really liked you. And I know that this is all just – some act for you and that this kiss meant nothing to you, but it meant everything to me. Back then. I mean, I told you. I felt safe for the first time in a while. How could you use this?”

“Alex, I’m–“

He shakes his head again, unbuckles the seatbelt and slams the car door shut. Zach leans his head forwards, thinks about following Alex; can feel his legs practically vibrating and his mouths forming apologies, some pleading, others begging.

Because Alex doesn’t understand. Alex doesn’t understand that it was as real to Zach as it was to him. That he has been thinking about nothing else for the past few months; that it is the only thought that on some days gets him out of bed in the morning and on others steals his sleep away. That it has meant something back then and still means something now. That he’s still in love with him.

Zach hits his head against the steering wheel, can feel his eyes fill up with tears. He doesn’t know how to fix this without – telling Alex everything. He doesn’t know how they can entangle this entire mess without – destroying everything. It seemed so simple only twenty-four hours ago and now it looms over his head like a dark, dangerous cloud.

And Zach doesn’t think, he can escape this either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are, as always, very appreciated! :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back with chapter three of this angst fest (lmao)! Microsoft Word absolutely hates me: it deleted 2000-3000 words aka over 2-3 hour of work and I had to rewrite this chapter almost completely. We will never know if this is the better version or not. 
> 
> Thank you for your support – reading your comments always makes my day (and week!). I appreciate it all and it means a lot. Truly. <3
> 
> I apologize in advance for any mistakes! And now, as always – I hope y'all enjoy. :)

Zach is turning around in the bed, when his alarm goes off. He sighs loudly, deactivates it and presses his head into the pillow; his head throbbing. He couldn’t sleep. His thoughts are jumbled, a thrown-together mind map with no clear beginning or end. He tried to sort his thoughts out – tried to go through every possibility, every imaginable scenario. He thought everything through – from Alex flat-out rejecting him to Alex kindly throwing him out of his apartment. Alex telling him angrily that he just broke up with his first serious boyfriend, Alex accusing Zach of not being able to let past feelings go, Alex explaining that this can never be more than friendship. He didn’t even entertain another prospect: of Alex returning his feelings, of Alex feeling the same, of Alex kissing him and telling him that he wants this to be real, too.

Zach is so scared. He doesn’t want to risk their friendship – it’s not within his rights. A part of him thinks, he never forgave himself for rejecting Alex, for lying to him in the first place. Maybe he had once earned their friendship. But after rejecting the kiss, he lost every right for more with Alex. Maybe, this makes no sense to others. But it’s one of the few morally correct actions Zach has ever been able to follow through. He doesn’t want to fail Alex. A part of him feels, like he already has.

He spent about ten more minutes in the car yesterday, trying to pull himself together. He was on the verge of crying; constantly pressing his eyes together to stop himself from bursting into tears.

Zach rarely cries. It was expected of him to push everything away; every possible feeling and thought and idea that felt like it was too much to bear. After his dad’s death, he tried to welcome the grief, the almost unbearable sadness. He tried to feel the anger, too. But enduring and actually showing it? Two quite different things.

The door wasn’t locked, when Zach went upstairs, but Alex’s bedroom door was closed. He couldn’t hear anything from inside, couldn’t hear loud music, a TV, a voice – any sound. The entire apartment was dark and quiet; such a concerning and distorted atmosphere that made Zach feel strangely connected to it:

Because Alex was here, but he was still nowhere to seen. Nowhere to be heard. Alex completely shut him out; a part of their precious connection cut forcibly.

Zach sat on the couch for an entire hour. He didn’t know what he could say to Alex, how he could possibly explain anything in a way that made Alex understand without exposing his feelings. He just knew, that he needed to fix this.

Zach was always more passive in his relationships – it was the easiest way not to lose somebody. But Alex was always different. Alex dared him to care. Alex dared him to be present. Alex dared him to be brave.

Alex could live without him. He was strong without him. Alex could sit alone at lunch and be completely at ease with himself. He never needed Zach to sit with him. If Zach wanted to be his friend, he had to show that he cared. He had to show that he cared about their friendship, about Alex’s well-being. He couldn’t be passive. Alex isn’t aware of it, but he made Zach care. He made Zach crave to be better. To want better for himself, too.

Alex never came out of his room that night. Zach even considered sleeping on the couch, but ultimately decided to give him space. A very naïve part of himself tried to hold onto the idea, that everything would be okay in the morning.

Nothing is okay. Zach can hear Alex outside Jess’ room, but he’s too terrified to confront him. How could he possibly start this conversation? How could he possibly explain his feelings? How could he make Alex understand that he is the sun, that he was able to come out of his own shadows and thrive? That Zach would only hold him back, just like he holds himself back, because he is a shadow; dimming every light?

Zach groans, sits up. Brushes a hand over his face and tastes his own bitter breath on his tongue. His eyes burn; his headache got impossibly worse. He must look shitty, Zach realizes.

He jumps, when he hears the knocking on the door. He groggily answers _‘come in’_ :

Alex opens the door, his arms crossed, his body leaning against the door frame. Exhaustion is written all over his face and Zach can’t help but feel guilty, undoubtedly their fight the thing on Alex’s mind.

Zach opens his mouth, closes it after a few seconds. He’s speechless; any possible explanation, any feasible action completely stolen from his mind.

Alex watches him, his eyes roaming Zach’s face. After a minute of uncanny silence, Alex’s shoulders slump and he breathes out heavily.

“Forget about yesterday, okay?”, Zach furrows his eyebrows, “it doesn’t matter. We’ll just go to this party and pretend for one more day and then it’s over. I’ll tell them, we broke up after a few weeks and that we decided we’re better off as friends.”

Alex’s voice is completely monotonous and flat, as though he’s reading a pre-written statement that he had to memorize. His face shows no trace of emotion; an empty and closed off surface the only sight to behold. It’s alarming to see Alex like that; it’s shockingly surprising to Zach, that he is even capable of being so detached.

Zach should welcome this with open arms. He should be relieved. He won’t have to confess everything, won’t have to be vulnerable and brave. But still – he can feel himself miss Alex from last night, can feel himself longing for a reaction, for a confirmation that _this matters_ , their relationship matters, platonic or not.

“Are you sure?”, Zach asks; suddenly desperate for a genuine answer, “I’m really sorry about –“

“Yeah”, Alex doesn’t look at him, his eyes focused on the bare wall, “I’m sure. I’m meeting Jess now, but we’ll see each other before the party”, he glances at Zach for a brief second, “a spare key is on the kitchen counter. And there’s breakfast in the fridge.”

Alex doesn’t wait for an answer. He looks at Zach for another moment, a complicated expression passing his face and the door is closed, again. Zach blinks, stares at the closed door for half a minute, his head throbbing and his hands vibrating.

He tries to identify the heavy and turning feeling in his stomach, tries to understand the sudden change in his emotions and why he’s suddenly so – _sad_. But the truth is – Zach is hurt. They haven’t seen each other for weeks, almost two months passing. And Zach knows that Alex is hurt, too, that he feels betrayed and used. But when did this scheme, this utter lie become the priority? When did they choose to continue pretending, instead of mending what they have already broken? It’s so unusual for Alex to choose a lie over a friendship, over people he cares about in general, that Zach doesn’t really know what to do with himself.

_Is this what Alex truly needs? To forget their conversation? To forget their complicated past? Does he need Zach to continue? Does he need this fake relationship so much? More than their real friendship?_

Maybe it’s unfair to pin this completely on Alex. Maybe it’s unfair to expect anything at all after last night. Maybe it’s the apology Alex needs; an actual effort from Zach that shows, he truly cares.

The front door closes loudly. Zach stands up, his legs still shaking. He rubs a hand over his face, slowly leaves Jess’ bedroom and goes to the kitchen. Opens the fridge, expects some groceries, only to see – a plate full of pancakes. And a post-it note on the plate:

_They’re probably not as good as yours, but I tried_

_P.S. I cut an entire box of strawberries for the pancakes and then remembered you’re allergic_

_P.P.S who is even allergic to strawberries?????_

_P.P.P.S enjoy anyways_

Zach brushes his fingers over the note, a small smile on his face. He breathes out; incredibly relieved. He doesn’t know what anything means anymore; where they’re standing and how much unspoken hurt exists inside of them.

But they both care. _They will always have that._

*******

Zach spent the entire morning dreading the party. After eating the pancakes and tidying up the kitchen, he sits down on the couch, leans back and exhales quietly. He takes his phone, turns it on and stares at the lack of notifications. Before he can overthink it, he types a message to Alex:

**[1:34PM]: thank you for the pancakes**

**[1:34PM]: they were great**

Alex instantly answers. He possibly needs a resolution, too. A way to mend this mess and make it better, somehow.

**_[1:35PM]: i’m glad_ **

****

The dots appear, disappear, re-appear. Zach sighs, can feel his heart pounding. Their entire relationship seems strange and distorted now; completely uncharted territory. They had unwritten rules before about what their friendship means: _We should be the kind of friends who can tell each other anything._

This entire fake ploy changed everything completely – as if they suddenly forgot how to be around each other. Zach doesn’t like it. He was used to knowing what his relationships with other people meant – they had a certain purpose. His friendship with Alex has always been a little bit different; an exception to the rule, to every rule Zach has made for himself, really.

But they’re both struggling now.

**_[1:37PM] lets get waffles tomorrow_ **

**_[1:37PM] before you drive home_ **

**_[1:37PM] if you want to_ **

Zach breathes out, a familiar tug in his chest. He can feel the affection in his stomach, can feel it spread around his entire body; his arms and legs tingling. Relief washes over him, settles any concerns in an instant, his shoulders dropping. They’re going to be okay. They can go back to the way they were before; they can be friends again. There will be an after, a relationship that only belongs to them.

He does want more; a sharp longing in his chest. But as much as he wants to have more, the only thing he truly needs is _Alex_. His constant presence, his friendship. He needs him more in his life than he wants anything else. And he might not ever have his feelings reciprocated, but he will always have him. _One way or another_.

**[1:39PM] of course man**

**_[1:40PM] :)_ **

**_[1:40PM] i’ll be home by 7pm_ **

Zach exhales, nods to himself and turns off his phone. Closes his eyes, brushes a hand over his face. _Only one more evening._

He can method-act, can use his real feelings for this performance, his vulnerability to make it believable and sincere. He can give himself to this. He can fill the role in this recital, can play the love-interest in this orchestrated fantasy and at the same time his own antagonist in reality. He can do one final performance and then retire forever. And if he has some broken pieces of himself to pick up afterwards, nobody will know.

*******

EDM is playing loudly by the time they arrive at Lilly’s house. A few people are already standing outside, sipping on their drinks, gently swaying from side to side. The front door is wide open; some students leave the house, others enter.

Zach hesitates in front of the door, looks back at Alex, who is lost in thought. He extends his hand, waits for Alex to reach out and take it.

A pained expression crosses Alex’s face; his entire demeanor changes. He was nervous yesterday, but it was nothing like that. He never looked seriously distressed.

Suddenly, Zach gets exhausted. He grasps Alex’s wrist and pulls him to the side, secluded from the others; only muffled voices and faint music audible. Zach frowns, tilts his head.

“You know, we don’t have to do this, right?”, Zach gently brushes Alex’s wrist, glad about the contact, “like – at all. I will tell your friends anything you want, I will do anything you ask, Alex, but we don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to.”

Alex’s shoulders immediately drop. He searches Zach’s face, then, takes a step forward and flings his arms around Zach’s waist. Zach can hear his heart pounding, can feel the sweat on his back. He closes his eyes, revels in the sudden closeness, in this intimate gesture, that feels like _only them_. Not a part of this ploy, not a part of this performance, only another way to mend the broken trust.

They don’t make a habit of hugging – Zach is physically closer to Alex than to most of the people in his life, but they rarely hug. It doesn’t matter now, though. They’ve rewritten the rules of their friendship countless times.

Alex tightens his arms around Zach’s waist, puts his head on Zach’s chest.

“Thank you”, Alex murmurs, quietly. After a few seconds, he loosens his hold and takes a step back, smiles tenderly. Zach tries to ignore his fetal heart, undoubtedly failing.

“I’m okay”, Alex says after a while, his voice soft, but convinced, “I’m okay with this, too. I promise.”

Zach only nods, blinks. His legs are shaking and he finds himself speechless, his voice wavering in his thoughts. He can already imagine a confession abruptly leaving his lips, a waterfall of words quelling out of his mouth; unrestrained and irrepressible.

Alex watches him for a minute, his expression growing more worried by the second. He frowns, almost intuitively takes a step forward once again. “Are you – okay? With all of this”, he shakes his head, a guilty look on his face, “I – I should’ve asked. If you are still okay with this, too.”

“Of course”, Zach responds, secretly glad his voice seems steady and controlled. Alex is still frowning, his eyebrows drawn together, a silent question in his eyes. Before Zach overthinks, he reaches out and gently brushes a strand of hair out of Alex’s face; ignores the shiver running down his spine.

It’s almost funny – the circumstances Zach and Alex constantly find themselves in. If Zach ignores his feelings and the bitter truths, he can admit, that it’s rather ridiculous.

He remembers them completely trashing the school together; their light-hearted and almost child-like laughter echoing in the school hallway. How fast and abruptly the situation changed; how serious and heavy and harsh it became. How they somehow always seem to walk a fine line between light, soft moments and heavy, intimate ones. How they got to know each other at their exhilarating highs and their deep, sorrowful lows. They know each other at their best – and at their worst.

“There you are!”

Alex and Zach immediately jump apart. He turns around: Lilly and Ben are standing next to each other, both holding a beer bottle in their right hand. Lilly gently pushes her elbow against Ben’s arm, both of their smirks widening.

“You don’t have to make out here, you know”, she glances at Alex, then at him, “nobody cares. Hiding in dark corners kind of defeats the purpose of parties.”

Alex takes a step forward and puts his arm around Zach’s waist, his finger lightly pulling Zach closer. “I only sit and sulk in dark corners at parties”, Alex looks around, his eyes teasing, “in fact, you all know this”, he laughs, genuinely, “this isn’t new information.”

Ben puts an arm around Lilly’s shoulder, only for her to brush it off. He sighs, amused, then turns to Zach. “He was always like that?”

Zach can feel his own lips form a fond smile. He nods, looks at Alex. “Yeah. Alex Standall never liked parties.”

Zach doesn’t know what changed, but it almost seems easier now. As though the hug healed something; an uncertainty they both carried within themselves. He stopped pretending, doesn’t try to put on a performance. This entire conversation reminds him of their usual dynamic and settles him with a familiar, comforting feeling in his heart.

Alex rolls his eyes. “Zach Dempsey doesn’t like parties either”, Alex tightens his grip on Zach’s waist, “he’s just better at acting like he does.”

Zach swallows, doesn’t deny it. It’s another glaring difference between them; the need to pretend usually reserved for him. It’s almost ironic that Alex suggested this entire fake dating scheme in the first place.

“Okay, enough”, Zach blinks and turns to Lilly, “I will steal Alex away and introduce him to a few people”, she grabs Alex’s hand and gestures to Ben, “he can entertain you in the meantime, Zach.”

Zach laughs, slightly overwhelmed by her presence. She pulls Alex towards her and they disappear into the house. Zach looks around: the garden is definitely more filled with people drinking, laughing and dancing than before. Zach exhales, turns his attention back to Ben, who’s watching him quietly, assessing Zach.

“Don’t worry about him”, he shrugs his shoulders, “she will get distracted by someone else and Alex will quietly leave the conversation without anyone noticing. It’s his specialty.”

Zach smiles, tilts his head to the side and imagines the scenario vividly.

“Yeah?”, he asks.

Ben nods. “Yeah”, he makes a 360-degree turn and nods again, “yeah, definitely. She will probably forget about us all together as soon as more people arrive.”

Zach rubs his bottom lip absently with his thumb, stares at the front door. He should be able to relax: to enjoy his free time. But he misses Alex already.

It shouldn’t be like that. It has never been like that. They haven’t seen each other for 2 months and Zach missed him, but he wasn’t yearning for him like that before. But now? Now that he had Alex in his arms again, now that he felt his breath on his skin and his finger brush his arms softly? He doesn’t know, how he could possibly go back to the old rules of their friendship.

Ben pats him on the shoulder, frees him from his thoughts. “Come on”, his tone is gentle, “let’s get inside.”

Zach wonders, if Ben noticed something in his face; wonders, how revealing his expressions really are. If his longing is noticeable, if the thread that connects them radiates a tension; palpable in the air.

He swallows hard and follows Ben inside.

*******

Zach usually avoids drinking, if he can. It reminds him of too many bad memories; connects him to a person he isn’t proud of. On the surface, he didn’t care about anything. Alcohol numbed everything: his hurting leg, his guilt, his disappointment and also – his love. Alcohol didn’t make him a bad person, necessarily: But it made him lose touch with himself. Made him lose touch with his memories, that became blurry and his feelings that became intangible. He tries to avoid alcohol, because he knows how easy it is to slip back into old patterns. He knows how familiar they sometimes feel; how numbing pain can disturbingly feel like comfort.

After they had gone inside, Ben made him sit down and gave him a beer. Zach thought about protesting for a second and then decided against it, because: a beer was fine, really. He would be fine with one beer, would slowly pace himself and put it down if it truly became too much.

He regrets it now. His thoughts are already jumbled, his throat is slightly hurting. Alex isn’t back yet – Zach saw him last with a random guy in the kitchen, talking intensely about something.

Zach should be glad. Zach should feel ecstatic: His best friend is moving on from his past relationship and found a good-looking guy to talk to. But instead, he’s left with a hollow feeling in his stomach and an empty beer bottle in his hand. He thought about playing the piano in the living room, maybe impressing some of Alex’s friends, but his hands were shaking and fuck – he truly was out of practice, when it came to drinking.

Ben went on a search for Parker. Zach was left sitting on the couch with no one to talk to, wallowing in his jealousy, while sipping on a beer that he already finished. He’s, no doubt, a sight to behold: an inebriated guy, pulling the label on a beer bottle, while staring longingly into the distance.

Zach closes his eyes, leans back on the couch. He feels a weight on the couch space next to him, turns his head around and –

there’s a blond girl sitting there. Zach blinks, tilts his head to the side. He doesn’t know her.

“Hey”, she extends her hand, smiling and Zach takes it, confused, “I’m Julie.”

“I’m Zach”, he points to himself, his movements slower than normal, “do we – do we know each other?”

She laughs, leans forward. “No. Not yet, at least. You’re not from here, right?”

Zach shakes his head, looks around for someone or something familiar. He swallows, turns back to her. “I’m here for my – boyfriend.” He stumbles over the last word, but she seems to believe him either way, immediately keeping her distance, her smile dimmed, yet still friendly.

“Oh”, she glances around the room, “who is the lucky one?”

He opens his mouth to answer, only to be met with a wet, abrupt kiss on the cheek. Alex sits down next to him, takes Zach’s hand in his and looks Julie up and down.

“Who’s this?”, Alex asks, an unmistakable tilt to his voice.

“Julie”, Zach gestures to her, then to Alex, “this is my – boyfriend – my boyfriend Alex.”

“Are you wasted, Zach?”, Zach blinks, can feel himself nod, “what did you drink? Wait – who gave you something to drink?”

Alex’s eyes are intense; his voice is strangled. Zach watches him, lets his eyes wander. He tries to keep his mouth shut, too afraid to say something wrong or incriminating.

“Zach?”, Alex’s eyes soften, he tugs at Zach’s hands, intertwines their fingers, “who gave you something to drink?”

“Ben”, Alex frowns, his eyes immediately searching the room, “but it was only a beer. I’m just”, Zach leans forward, closes his eyes and rests his head on Alex’s shoulder, “a lightweight.”

He can feel Alex’s hands gently caress the top of his head. He leans into the touch, tries to savor every moment. Zach falls asleep every few seconds, flinches awake. He can hear Alex talk to someone over the phone, only a suppressed and muted noise in the back of his head.

“Zach?”, there’s a hand lightly stroking his arm up and down, “Zach?”, he blinks awake, lifts his head; Alex smiles, “Jess was stuck at some meeting, but she’s coming to get us, okay?”

Zach nods. His head feels heavy, like a ton of bricks are holding him down. He leans forward again, rests his head on Alex’s legs.

He doesn’t think about the fact, that they hardly spent any time together at the party. That Zach wasn’t there to hold his hand, to put his arm around his shoulder and kiss him on the cheek. That their pretending is officially over. That he got drunk from one beer. He doesn’t think about the fact, that this will be the last time he can casually express his feelings without risking anything.

_And that after tonight, he will have to let Alex go as more than a friend forever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know, this chapter was also...filled with angst (of course, sprinkled with some fluffy and amusing moments), because apparently I can't be stopped. But don't worry, chapter four will be the last (I think!) and they will definitely work everything out and finally TALK! There's light at the end of the tunnel. I won't torture you for much longer. :)
> 
> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are my lifeline and they are always greatly appreciated <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! <3  
> So...this is the end. I hope y'all enjoy this chapter and the ending of this little story, too. :) 
> 
> And as always, I apologize for any mistakes!

They barely make it to the front door. Jess offered to help Alex, but he told her to go to the party instead and enjoy her time there. It was only them, again: Alex’s arm slung over Zach’s shoulder; Zach barely holding on, his vision messy and blurry.

“Jesus, you’re heavy, Zach”, Alex exclaims, jumbling with his keys, trying to get the door open, while holding onto Zach, “try to stand still, okay?”

Zach nods, obediently. He blinks a few times. An easy smile graces his face, despite his heart feeling heavy. He can’t stop laughing. A part of him wants to cry. Zach’s swaying from left to right, holds onto Alex’s free hand. After twenty seconds Alex gets the door open and slowly leads them through it.

Zach can barely keep his eyes open, tries to concentrate on his movements without getting too sick. He can’t feel his legs anymore, doesn’t even notice or realize where they’re going. Then, Alex abruptly lets him go and he falls forward – into a soft bed. He turns around, groans loudly and opens his eyes.

Zach blinks. _This isn’t Jess’ room._

Alex watches him, sighs audibly. Leaves the room, only to come back with an aspirin and a glass of water. He puts it on the nightstand and sits down next to Zach’s legs.

“Jess needs her room back, when she comes home later”, Alex looks around, crosses his arms, “if – you’re okay with sleeping here?”

Zach opens his mouth to answer, closes it again: There is only gibberish in his mind, slurred words that don’t make any sense. He nods a few times, hopes, Alex understands.

Alex uncrosses his arms, puts his hand on Zach’s leg; a warm pressure, Zach can actually feel.

“I’ll get another blanket and get changed in the bathroom, okay? You need to drink your water and sleep it off”, Alex strokes his leg softly, stands up, “and we will talk in the morning, okay?”

Zach closes his eyes, runs a hand over his tingly face and nods once more. He can hear Alex’s footsteps, sinks into the bed. Everything is turning; a feeling that seems so ordinary and strange at the same time. Being drunk always felt like that at first; exhilarating in the beginning, disorientating in the end. When he began to drink more and more, the feeling went away. It was replaced with welcoming numbness; clarity pushed into a fog. It was disconcerting, how familiar and comforting drinking felt. There was no high or low anymore; only an eerily middle that felt like his new horrible normal.

Zach groans, turns around to the bedside table, leans on his elbow and opens his eyes. His movement are sluggish and slow; he almost missed the glass. He takes a sip, savors the cold water; such a stark difference to the bitter beer he can still taste on his tongue. He finishes it, lies down again. His head is throbbing; completely rendered worthless. He turns around, buries his face in the pillow. It smells like – _Alex._

It smells so much like him. Completely overshadows any other sensation, lets him forget the sour taste of alcohol in his mouth and the tingling in his legs; the heaviness in his entire body. He can only focus on the smell; a smell he considers safety and home. He heaves a sigh, his mind settles.

He barely hears Alex entering the room. Doesn’t notice the intake of breath, when Alex sees Zach lying there or the additional weight right next to him. He’s already asleep, when Alex gets closer, lets his eyes gently roam over Zach’s face. When Alex gives him a quick kiss on his head; hardly a brush of lips over his dark hair. And most importantly, or maybe most tragically; Zach doesn’t hear his next words:

_“I wish this could be real.”_

*******

Zach can feel the sun on his face, the soft sunlight brushing his skin. For the first thirty seconds, he doesn’t move at all. He can hear the muffled sounds from outside; the birds chirping, the wind softly blowing against the windows. He feels like he’s floating: His body parts are light and almost imperceptible, the sounds gentle and inviting and the smell – 

his eyes immediately go wide. He’s not in Jess’ bed and he’s not at home. Zach closes his eyes again, suddenly panicking. He must be in Alex’s bed.

He’s beside himself, completely befuddled. _What did they do yesterday? What happened? Did – something happen? Did Zach fuck it all up by drinking? Why did he take the drink in the first place?_

Zach’s heart is beating frantically, his hands begin to shake. He’s not capable of thinking clearly. Not, while he’s lying here, not, while he could potentially touch Alex, feel his warm skin under his, trace his lips with his thumb or see his eyelashes flutter against his fingers–

 _Fuck._ He needs to get out. Right now. He needs to get out, before he ruins everything. Before his still slightly drunk and hungover head spits out the wrong words or decides on the wrong actions and destroys the dearest and most precious relationship, Zach ever built.

Zach tries to savor the smell of Alex’s pillow on his skin. He is weirded out for a second; feels distraught for even entertaining such a ridiculous and pining response. But he doesn’t want to pretend. For a little while, he wants to revel in this, feel the love pour out of his skin, out of his soul. For a moment, he wants to just be. Here, lying next to Alex, side by side, breathing, sleeping, with no worry attached to them. With no previous trauma, no heavy history. With no brain injury, no substance abuse.

Zach delights in it. He delights in it and tries to seize the moment; truly fling his arms around it and never let it go. He doesn’t want this experience to ever escape his mind. Just like he never wants to forget their kiss on the rooftop; no matter how intoxicated he was or how it ended. No matter the reason. The kiss itself, the moment itself is enough.

He opens his eyes again, slowly turns around and looks at Alex. His eyes are closed and he’s hugging his blanket; his legs bare and somewhat angled. He looks innocent like this; like nothing sinister ever touched him. It’s heart-breaking, that Alex only achieves this state of peace, when he’s asleep. Zach extends his hand, stops himself, just before his fingers touch Alex’s cheek. He can’t risk it. And Alex is not his to touch, either. Not anymore.

He sighs, quietly. Lets his eyes caress Alex’s face, gently touch it with his glance. Zach sits up, breaths out and runs a hand over his face. He gets up slowly, and quietly leaves the room.

“Zach?”, he stops immediately, caught; Alex’s voice is groggy, “are you – leaving?”

Zach’s shoulders fall. He turns around, almost afraid to see Alex’s expression. Alex’s eyes flicker between the door and Zach; he blinks multiple times, obviously still confused. He straightens up, runs a hand over his hair.

“You – you just wanted to go without saying goodbye?”

Zach flinches at the hurt tone in Alex’s voice, barely brings himself to nod.

“Oh”, he’s briefly silent, “why?”

Zach opens his mouth, closes it abruptly. Shrugs his shoulders.

Alex sits up, crosses his arms. “Why, Zach?”, his voice demanding and shakily, “what – what are you doing?”, he’s staring into Zach’s eyes, “what are we doing?”

Zach shakes his head, makes another step backwards, hitting the wall. “I don’t – I’m sorry.”

He reaches for the doorknob, pushes it down.

“Don’t”, Alex’s eyes are pleading now; the former confusion completely vanishing, “please, Zach”, he points to the edge of the bed, “sit down. Please?”

Alex doesn’t look small anymore. He doesn’t look innocent or invisible or weak. He looks determined: He doesn’t want Zach to leave. He wants him to stay. He wants to talk and above all, he wants clarity.

 _This is it._ This is the moment Zach has been dreading with every fiber of his being. Because the truth is, he can’t deny Alex anything. Not even this.

Zach swallows hard. Every step closer to the bed, closer to Alex, feels heavy and severe. Earth-shattering. Every step feels like a revelation in its own; a sweet and bitter whisper from his feet to the wooden floor.

Zach doesn’t look at Alex, he looks at his restless hands instead. His shoulders are hunched; he feels ridiculously small. He doesn’t like the comparison, doesn’t want to think about past conversations. But he can’t help but be reminded of the paralyzing fear he felt, when he confessed to Alex that he killed Bryce. He was so scared of judgement.

They never judged each other: that was the top maxim of their friendship; the most important foundation. He wondered back then, if him killing Bryce was the last final straw. The one thing that would make Alex turn his back on him. But it never happened. The foundation remained the same.

He doesn’t know where to start now. He glances at Alex for a split second, then down at his lap again.

“Have I”, his voice sounds unsteady, but he pushes through it, “have I ever told you, why I decided to go to college for music?”, Zach exhales, “for guitar specifically, even though I was always better at piano?”

He can see Alex shrug his shoulders in the corner of his eye. “I always thought you wanted to rebel at your mom one more time.”

Zach snorts, shakes his head. “You loved it – playing the guitar. Feeling more connected to the music you listened to”, Zach clenches his hands, “and I know how much you hated losing this – connection, I guess. You don’t really talk about it, but that usually shows how much you care about something, so.”

“What does this have to do with you studying guitar?”

Zach laughs; the smile feels shaky and unsure. “You can’t guess?”

“I don’t get it, Zach.” Alex seems more impatient, now. _How – after everything – how can he still not get it?_

“It’s pretty obvious.”

“Well, it isn’t to me”, Alex sighs loudly, “just tell me, Zach. I’m done with – whatever this is.”

Zach stands up, turns to Alex and looks him in the eyes, for the first time since yesterday evening.

“Because of you! Alex, I took it because of you! I wanted to feel closer to you. I wanted to – it always meant so much to you. I wanted to – have this connection, too. And maybe – maybe somehow – gain a connection to you through it”, he laughs coldly, a brittle tone in his voice, “but you never understood. You never asked me. You still don’t get it, after everything that happened. It’s like – you don’t even want to see it”, Zach shrugs his shoulders, his voice growing more agitated, “and maybe, you don’t. I mean – you told me, multiple times. You – are done with me. You are over me. But –“

“Zach, what are you talking about?”

“I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU! I was always in love with you! I’ve been in love with you for – I don’t even know to be honest. For the most part of my life I wasn’t and suddenly – you were everything. You were everywhere. And I – by the time, I was truly ready – by the time, I felt like I might actually deserve you or be the boyfriend you need, you already moved on”, he runs a hand through his hair, “and I was like – this one kiss you once shared with a guy you were kind of attracted to. I was like a footnote in your entire love history and you were like – my biggest plot point. My only one, to be honest. If I had to draw a love line, you would be the solely dot on the page. There would be no line. There is only one, ridiculous, pathetic dot on a giant empty poster.”

Alex’s eyes are wide open. He gapes at Zach, completely rendered speechless, probably in shock. He blinks, opens his mouth and closes it again.

Zach can’t bear the silence. He continues: “And – I knew this was a bad idea. I knew that – doing all of this – fake dating you or whatever would only hurt me in the process. And I”, he gulps, “I didn’t want to use you, Alex. I wasn’t trying to – like fulfill my fantasies or whatever. But still”, he shakes his head; suddenly unbelievably tired, “this wasn’t fair to you. So – I’m sorry. And I understand if you need time to–“

“Shut up.”

Zach blinks. “W–what?”

Alex gestures to the space next to him on the bed; his brows furrowed and demanding. Zach hesitates at first, sits down.

“Do you want to know what Charlie asked me, when I broke up with him?”, Zach shrugs, “he asked me, if it was because of you. You were like – the one sore spot in our relationship. Especially after I told him – about the kiss, you know”, Alex scratches his head, “he knew – I mean, he knew how much you meant to me. We had this one very serious fight – like two months before we broke up. He just asked me out of the blue, who I would pick if I had to choose between you two. I never gave him an answer”, Alex’s voice grows desperate, “how could I answer this honestly without – breaking his heart? I told him; it's an unfair question. That my bond with you – and with Jess and Tyler and Clay is different. He told me that I was just trying to get out of answering the question. But – it would always be different, you know? He was never there. And you and me – I mean – of course, it was special. It was always – more. One way or another.”

Zach doesn’t dare himself to hope. He swallows; his voice barely above a whisper. “What do you mean?”

“I always knew – I would choose you. Over anyone. Anything. Nobody ever stood a chance”, he sighs, “I might have a love line, Zach, but you are the only dot that ever truly mattered.”

Zach looks up. Directly at Alex. He reaches out, cups his cheek and gently brushes it with his thumb. He can see Alex’s eyes soften; his mouth forms a small smile. And he recognizes it. Zach recognizes the love; the utter devotion, the unrelenting loyalty. He sees the adoration reflected in Alex’s eyes, undoubtedly visible in his, too.

Zach leans in, slowly, inch by inch. He doesn’t hear the birds chirping anymore. He doesn’t hear the wind, the muffled sound of cars driving. He doesn’t hear his own heart pumping violently. He can only hear the short, warm exhale of Alex’s breath against his lips, before they meet in the middle, eyes closed.

It’s all-consuming: soft and sweet, lazy and frantic simultaneously. They have all the time in the world and yet they’re still too terrified to lose this moment, to lose this dear connection they have unknowingly created in their intertwined past. Zach gently pushes Alex forward, doesn’t want to stop.

Alex’s fingers lightly brush Zach’s arm, he tightens his grip and drops his head back against the pillow.

They move apart, breathing heavily. Zach blinks, feels his smile widen. His chest is light all of a sudden; such a severe contrast to the past few years he can’t help but giggle. Alex shakes his head, amused. He loses his grip on Zach’s arm, moves it softly up and down instead, leaving a trace of goosebumps.

“Am I still hung-over?”, he whispers against Alex’s lips, “am I – like drunk dreaming?”

Alex chuckles, slightly brushes his lips over Zach’s. “Is that – a thing? Drunk dreaming?”

Zach nods. “It’s like – dreams that seem like reality. Or – like a memory.”

Alex traces his fingers over Zach’s shoulder, throat, up to his cheek. “You’re not drunk dreaming”, he kisses Zach on the left corner of his mouth, “because I’m sober.”

Zach swallows. “That’s good”, his voice is deep, hoarse, “that’s – I’m relieved.”

Alex exhales quietly, watches Zach for a moment and leans in again.

_And everything seemed surprisingly simple._

**(***)**

(“So let me get this straight – you two weren’t dating, when you introduced Zach to us? But you were both – pining for each other?” Lilly stares at them, her eyes moving from Zach to Alex, stunned.

Zach nods, can’t keep the grin off his face. “Yeah. Basically.”

“And at my party?”, Alex shakes his head, Lilly leans forward, “what? How? I saw you – outside.”

“We were only hugging”, Alex answers, interlocks his hand with Zach’s, “technically, we got together the day after, but we started counting the fake relationship, too.”

Lilly blinks multiple times, her mouth wide open. “The months?”

Zach snorts. “No – the three days before.”

Her shoulders fall. “Oh”, she glances at them, a pleased expression on her face, “that kind of makes sense, I guess? I’m just glad, it worked out in the end.”

Zach turns his head to Alex, squeezes his hand. The warmth in his chest settles, travels to his stomach. He leans forward and kisses Alex’s temple. “Yeah. Me too.”)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew. I hope, you enjoyed this chapter (and ending). I wanted to thank everyone once again for reading, leaving kudos and commenting. It truly meant (and means!) a lot to me. :)
> 
> This was my second work (and first "long" work) in English, so it was a little journey for me, too. <3
> 
> Have a wonderful day/night/morning/evening, wherever and whenever you are!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are very appreciated. <3
> 
> The title is from the song "Shadow" by Birdy.


End file.
